


What Are You Doing On New Year's Eve?

by Caffiend



Series: Holidays From Hel [3]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Sex, Vaginal Sex, Weird holiday traditions, bad elves, creepy elf on the shelf, flying llamas, he just despises their parents, holidays markets, nice aunts, no reindeer, of course Loki likes children, terrible parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:21:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28494528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caffiend/pseuds/Caffiend
Summary: In which Loki and Mina endure visits from unlikeable relatives, Holiday Market attacks and flying llamas.
Relationships: Loki/Mina
Series: Holidays From Hel [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1636330
Comments: 30
Kudos: 36





	What Are You Doing On New Year's Eve?

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my beloved misreall, who helped me figure out the latest holiday fuckup for Loki and Mina.

“No.”

“Loki, you promised-”

“No.”

“You PROMISED, Loki!!”

Mina had been following the exasperating god around his (well, hers now, too) palatial apartment for an hour as he gracefully dodged her. She suddenly found herself pinned on top of the kitchen counter next to his irritatingly fancy wood-fired oven with a flick of his finger.

“Darling…” Loki was using his tone of exaggerated patience, which was always infuriating. “Do you perhaps recall what happens every time we attempt to celebrate one of your benighted cultural celebrations?”

His expensive, custom-cut cedar wood stack was poking her in the side. Shifting, she looked away. “It’s not always-”

“Yes. Yes, darling, it is. It is always an unmitigated disaster.” Loki’s long fingers were on Mina’s cheek, turning her face to look at him. He surveyed the pout she was valiantly attempting to banish from her expression but it was clear the disappointment was keen. Absently rubbing his thumb over her cheekbone, he prodded, “Then you have forgotten the Captain’s Fourth of July party where Hydra infiltrated the fireworks with millions of murderous nanobots that showered all of Manhattan?”

Mina absently chewed her lower lip. “No.”

“Or, perhaps, the previous Valentine’s Day where you and all the women you love nearly had your souls sucked from your withered corpses by a clutter of rogue Incubi?”

“No.” Mina knew her response reeked of Pout. But she couldn’t help it.

The stroking thumb moved to pull her lip free from her teeth before she gnawed it off. “No, what, darling?”

Clearing her throat, Mina glared at Loki. “No, I have not forgotten the Incubus. Es’s. I. The Incubi.” Loki was about to turn from her with a smug expression of ‘discussion over’ when she continued. “But I also haven’t forgotten how you took me to that planet-”

“A Realm. Valeria.”

“Yes, the Valerian Realm and we had…” she sighed in spite of herself, remembering that particular evening, “we had just the most epic … unbelievable … sex. Remember? Where those tiger-eagle thingies were watching us?”

Did his thin, mobile mouth twitch just a bit? “I do.”

“And…” her legs stealthily wrapped around Loki’s waist, wrinkling his perfectly tailored jacket, “...that blistering rogering you gave me on top of the Empire State Building after you and the rest of the Avengers finished off the Hydra nanobots?” 

Loki’s eyes were narrowed, but she could see the smirk about to blossom on his handsome face. “I believe the tourists from … one of those bland, midwestern states…” 

“Iowa,” Mina supplied.

“Required psychiatric intervention?”

Bursting into an embarrassed giggle, she tightened her legs around him. “You never did tell me what the Mayor’s fine was for that, but I remember Tony was mad as hell.”

Tenderly plucking a kiss from Mina, Loki raised one elegant brow. “While I do appreciate your transparent efforts at distraction and seduction, it does not change the pitiful certainty that any effort to celebrate this … New Year’s Eve, _and with your family,_ will inevitably end in ruin.”

Taking a deep breath, Mina ran her hands up the smooth lapels of his suit. “Remember that, uh … the thing you wanted to do?”

Loki was attempting to unwind her legs, clinging to him like a particularly stubborn strain of ivy, but he paused for a moment.

 _‘Ah, HAH!’_ Mina thought. 

“What … thing, my sweet girl?” Loki’s emerald eyes were sparkling now, with speculation, amusement.

“You know what thing!” she was blushing furiously, but she leaned in close. “We can do it.” Mina leaned in for the kill. “Twice.” As he groaned and bit her earlobe, she knew she had him.

  


“So! I’ve made a list, Amelia, and I think-” Mina looked up to see her niece staring at her indifferently. The expression was remarkably similar to Loki’s, though it looked rather tragic on the nine-year-old. Also tragic was the child being gifted with her father’s long legs, but her mother’s stumpy midsection. And the weak eyes that were a trait in Mina’s family. She herself had worn vile, coke bottle thick glasses until she was old enough for Lasik surgery. Eyewear quite similar to the ones, in fact, currently being sported by Amelia. But the most tragic was the reality that her brother and sister-in-law had traveled to New York City just long enough to deposit their child on Loki’s doorstep and then cut and run.

  


_“_ _Hey, so, good to see you, sis…” Jerry sneaked a glance at his watch. Loki had just left the spacious living room to take a priority Avengers-related phone meeting._

_Carlotta cut in, “But our flight leaves in an hour so we have to get moving.”_

_Mina’s jaw dropped, feeling the crush of impending doom. “What? Where are you going? You just got here - I thought you were staying with us for the weekend.”_

_Her sister-in-law’s laugh was artificial and painfully high. “Oh, no, silly! Just Amelia.” The rat bastard she was related to and his equally vile spouse were halfway down the hallway before Mina could close her mouth again._

_At the overly cheerful “ding!” of the elevator, she turned and smiled uncertainly at her niece. “That’s not … what your mom said on the phone.”_

_Perching on a corner of the couch’s padded arm, the girl shook her head. “It never is.”_

_And then to make the moment a complete, steaming pile of Manhattan slush mixed with doorman spit, Loki swanned gracefully back into the room. Putting his hands in the pockets of his well-tailored pants, he looked around with a really annoying level of thoroughness. “Why, where are dear Jerry and Carlotta?”_

_Stepping next to Amelia, Mina put a protective arm around her shoulders. “Well, you’re going to laugh about this, but-”_

_“The parents dropped their only child off like a stray kitten and are now absconding to the airport?” Oddly, Loki didn’t look enraged, which she’d expected. He seemed slightly … amused? Seriously?_

_“Uh, yeah?”_

_“Eloquently said, darling. Well, then. Shall we take that shabby suitcase of yours to the guest room, Miss Amelia?” The little girl grunted something, but she pushed off the couch and followed her well-dressed host out of the room while Mina wondered who’d taken over the body of her Asgardian God - boyfriend._

  
  


“There's some really fun things to do this weekend,” Mina pushed forward. She was still shocked and a little stunned that Loki took the instant abandonment of her niece on their doorstep so casually. But his calm regarding the situation seemed to transfer to Amelia. So calm, in fact, that getting the little monkey excited about anything was the real challenge. “Oh! I know! The Holiday Market!”

“Christmas is over,” the little girl mumbled. 

“True…” Mina wedged herself on to the couch next to her niece. “But this is one of the biggest cultural gatherings for the holidays. There’s all kinds of food… candy… last year they had reindeer.”

Amelia’s brow arched under those godawful thick, heavy glasses. “Reindeer?”

Mina nodded vigorously. “And last year, there were Sugar Gliders and this other furry thingie, so…” she trailed off invitingly. Exotic animals were her niece’s weak spot.

  
  


“What do you call a bunch of Avengers?” Mina queried teasingly, “A gaggle? A bundle? A thicket?” Loki ignored her as he cleared the crowd before them, leaving a majestic wake behind for Amelia and Mina to follow. His efforts to saunter unnoticed out of the Tower had failed when Scott Lang popped up like an overly cheerful jack in the box...

“What’s up? Where are you going? What are you doing, man? It’s New Year’s Eve!”

“At this moment, it is midday and we are taking Miss Amelia to the Holiday Market,” Loki said repressively, still steering the girls toward the elevators.

Scott beamed widely. “That’s a great idea!” Turning his head in the direction of the common room, he shouted, “HEY! C’mon, we’re going to the Holiday Market!”

Loki’s groan was audible.

So, while they strolled between the quaint little booths, consumed an unnatural amount of fried funnel cakes drenched in powdered sugar, and exclaimed over charming little knick-knacks and thick woolen sweaters, Mina and Amelia had an entourage of Earth’s Greatest Superheroes behind them.

“Hmmm…” Loki’s lips pursed disapprovingly. “These are not the mythical reindeer from that ridiculous fairy tale.”

“Llamas!” Amelia sighed rapturously, “There are so much better. Although it would be perfect if they flew, too.”

Her sour little face was suddenly alight, eyes shining behind those thick lenses. Mina pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Yeah, flying llamas would be so much cooler than reindeer.” As the aforementioned llamas gazed down at them superciliously, they migrated to the next booth, where Loki stood, stark against the holiday greens in his black suit, arms folded and staring at shelves full of red elves. 

“These are unnatural,” he said disapprovingly as Mina drew next to them. “Real elves are fierce and powerful. Beautiful. Vicious and deadly in battle.”

“Oh, they’re unnatural,” Sam agreed, shoving the last of his funnel cake in his mouth. “Creepy as hell. They remind me of _Chucky.”_

“Of who?” Steve and Bucky both looked confused and dreading another cultural reference to be surreptitiously written into their notebook of Things to Look Up Later.

“Ugh,” Natasha waved her giant mug of hot chocolate, laced with rum. “I watched _Chucky_ parts one and two in a moviehouse in Moscow. It’s even worse in Russian. A demonic doll that comes to life and kills everyone and traumatizes the little child who owns him for life.”

Loki lifted one elegant brow. “Really.” He eyed the red-hatted toys again, rows and rows of them, all wearing that blank, painted-on smile. “Do they act as a harbinger of doom? A message sent to enemies to warn of their imminent demise?”

“No,” scoffed Amelia, “they’re dumb. Parents buy them and put them in different positions all over the house and they’re supposed to prove to the kid that the Elf on the Shelf is spying on them for Santa.”

“They do not move on their own?” scoffed Loki. “Useless lumps of felt.”

As they all turned to meander down to the next stall, Mina caught a glimpse of- what? Nothing. That’s ridiculous. An Elf on the Shelf did not hiss, plastic face twisted with malice. ‘ _Maybe Natasha slipped the rum in my hot chocolate too_ ,’ she thought.

Of all things to save the Avengers, it never occurred to them that it would be the llamas. A deafening chorus of enraged bleating made the group turn around. The beasts were kicking violently against their enclosure, knocking one wall loose. Steve remembered something from one of his beloved documentaries. “You know, a lot of the French from the war had guard llamas to protect the sheep and goats. They would also take out wandering Nazi soldiers. They have very sharp hooves.” His fingers gathered together into a point and he absently jabbed his improvised hoof in the air. “But, what are they doing?”

A scream behind them made the group whirl to see the woman running the Elf on the Shelf stand rolling in the snow, howling as-

“Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me!” Tony groaned, pulling off his blue-tinted glasses for a closer look. Four of the toy elves were attached to the poor vendor, one savagely biting her cheek as the others clawed and bit at her arms and back. 

A man racing past wailing “Get it off me get it off me get it off meeeee!” nearly knocked Amela over and Mina pulled her back, arms around the girl. There were at least eight, nine of the repellant little things crawling all over him, one ripping out chunks of his hair and laughing in a painfully high-pitched tone.

The worst part, Mina thought wildly, was that the little bastards seemed to be getting bigger, bits and pieces of their little felt suits falling off them and a vile, vomitous-looking green skin emerging. Their tiny plastic hands were growing sharp, curved claws and now the market-goers running past them screaming seemed to be bleeding, too.

And as always when Things Turned To Complete Shit - at least supernaturally - everyone looked at Loki, who looked distinctly put out. “What do we-? How-?” Steve ripped a growling Elf on the Shelf who looked like he was about to take out the eye of a thrashing man. It sliced a long cut along the top of his hand and hissing, Steve threw the elf onto the concrete and stomped it to pieces with his heavy boot.

“Exactly like that,” Loki drawled. “You must separate the head from the body. As the creatures grow, it will become more difficult.” His hands left his pockets and two razor-sharp daggers suddenly appeared.

“Wow,” gasped Amelia, “that’s so cool.”

“He’s using his blades made from Niflheim steel,” Mina said absently, pivoting to keep her niece away from the advancing, tiny red army, “he must be really concerned.” Her beautiful boyfriend passed her with a jade-glinted side-eye as if to remind her of the one, inescapable fact.

Holidays and the Avengers were always a shit show.

The spritely little elf decorations were indeed growing, and scaly skin and savage, reddened eyes began bulging from the cracking plastic. And the noise. Their screams and screeches were a nauseating mix of a bird of prey, angry teakettle, a traffic cop’s whistle and the speeded-up sound of … food rotting, Mina thought wildly, there was no other way to explain it. But if the now knee-high fiend’s claws weren’t ripping through one of the wailing market-goers, the godawful noise from those jagged mouths was making their victims collapse, mittened hands flailing wildly. Mina looked up as Loki shouted her name, jerking his head at a safe corner by a brick wall. Herding Amelia over there, she ripped off her thick scarf and wrapped it around the girl’s ears tightly, putting her behind her and slapping her hands over her own. But when three of the holiday monstrosities leaped over an overturned cart, spilling brightly colored German candies over the cobblestones, Mina flailed for a weapon. Seizing a huge wooden spoon meant to mix caramel corn, she used it like a baseball bat, hitting one hard enough to break it in half, the next she sent sailing into a mass of taffy, churning over and over on steel paddles. Within seconds, there were endless lengths of taffy dotted with Elf Bits.

Unfortunately, her childish moment of gloating cost Mina, and the other elf latched on to her neck, scrabbling through her mass of hair and latching its needle-like teeth into her neck. Trying to rip it off her throat was excruciatingly painful, and she gritted her teeth when Amelia’s high-pitched scream of terror made her pivot. There were five of the biggest of the holiday serial killers scuttling up the awning behind them and about to drop down on the little girl.

And then, the llamas came.

Majestic with their superior height and silky hides, they lashed out with their viciously sharp hooves flaying one elf from head to crotch, crushing two against the brick wall and batting the rest somewhere over the roof. “Th- thank you?” Mina gasped. She could swear one winked at her from its long-lashed eye before it whirled to take on another clot of tiny fiends. The tide turned as the llamas leaped into action, smashing and crushing their way through the tidal wave of elven offal and helping the Avengers rescue hysterical festival-goers. Within another ten bloody minutes, the dysfunctional Elves on the Shelf were nothing more than shredded bits of flesh, forlorn tatters of red felt and gelatinous green blood that seemed splashed liberally on every surface, including Loki’s suit. He turned, still majestic while dripping green gore and bowed to the llamas standing before him.

“We are in your debt,” he said, “stories of your courage in battle will be spoken of for centuries.”

The head llama regally inclined its fluffy head, and the herd turned as one and trotted swiftly away.

“Oh,” said Amelia sadly, “I was really hoping I could pet one of them.”

“Another time, dear girl,” Loki moved quickly to press his hand against Mina’s torn and bleeding skin and she moaned a little in gratitude, a cool sensation swept over her as he healed the wound.

“Is everyone okay?” Mina squeezed his hand, looking for their friends. Everyone was mainly intact, though Tony suffered a nasty gash on his abdomen before he could get his suit to form and Bucky was bleeding from a cut over his eye. Making a little noise of disgust, Loki ran his long fingers down his suit and it was impeccable again. 

Eyeing the holiday carnage, Steve nodded, “We’re okay, none of the shoppers were killed. But I guess we have to call Fury and Dr. Strange to get this cleared up.”

“Oh, of course,” sneered Loki. “Dr. Strange, I am certain this will be explained away as yet another gas leak.”

“Well,” offered Mina, “it worked pretty well with the incubus… eses…” 

“Incu _bi,”_ Loki supplied.

“Incubi attack on Valentine’s Day,” she finished hopefully.

Back at the Tower, everyone staggered off to their own apartments, trying to ignore Tony’s shout of, “This doesn’t mean any of you are exempt from going to the party tonight! Attendance at my New Year’s Eve party is MANDATORY!”

“How are you, honey?” Mina was brushing Amelia’s wet hair, looking at her reflection in the mirror. 

“I really wish I could have had another funnel cake,” the little girl said.

Breaking into a weak chuckle, Mina said, “That’s your biggest issue with today?”

“Well,” allowed Amelia, “I would have liked to meet the llamas.”

Loki leaned against the bathroom door. “Miss Amelia, would you accompany me to the greatroom? I shall make you comfortable with a movie and some sweets. Your aunt, as you see, is still covered in elf fragments."

Slumping against the tile wall as green, red and mottled flesh bits sluiced off her skin in the steaming water, Mina jumped a little as the shower door opened and a deliciously naked Agardian stepped in. “Loki!” she gasped, “Amelia-”

“-is safely ensconced on the couch and surrounded by the entirety of your clandestine candy cabinet,” he soothed, taking the soap away from her.

“It’s only hidden because of your voracious sweet tooth,” she sassed, but it died off in a sigh as his fingers carefully soaped her breasts, smoothing down her belly and drawing one long finger between her legs.

Loki’s mouth moved up and down her neck softly. “My brave darling,” he purred, “you were so fierce today, a veritable Valkyrie with that wooden paddle.”

Laughing tiredly, Mina looped her arms around his shoulders. “I’m pretty sure you did all the heavy lifting on this one. When you whipped out those daggers, I swear my ovaries detonated.”

This was a mistake. Leaning back, he eyed her with a mixture of lust and malice. “Really…”

“Oh, god-” she groaned, and it was on.

Putting one foot on the tile bench, Loki swiftly lifted her to straddle his thigh, hands sliding over her ass and squeezing gently. Sliding her painfully sensitive center up, and then down his marbled thigh, he chuckled as her legs tightened against him. There was something so delicious about how his Mina’s back would arch, pressing down, her agile hips swirling against him. “So delicious, lovely girl. You were so shy when we met, and see now how you rub against me like a most accomplished harlot. This heated quim…” 

He growled and the sound reverberated down Mina’s spine and shot through her pussy. Her movements on his thigh were faster now, her slick making the path of her clit bumping over each defined muscle more intense. Sliding one hand down to his shaft, already hard and straining toward his midsection, she squeezed gently. “You’re hard to resist, my King,” she managed, trying to not whimper like a schoolgirl when he lifted her easily, poised above his cock.

Leaning in and biting her earlobe sharply, he warned, “You must be quiet, darling, with the little one just in the next room…” and then spitefully dropped her on his cock, sheathing her in a moment and grunting as Mina’s sharp little teeth dug into the muscle of his shoulder. To her credit, his darling managed to keep mostly silent, aside from a few whimpers now and then when he’d thrust higher inside her clutching passage. Sucking a bruise into her throat, he chuckled, “Such restraint. Perhaps I simply need to fuck you harder?” Making a strangled little noise, she wrapped her legs around his waist and held on for dear life.

Seriously, he was pushing so hard that she could feel him in her throat, Mina thought dazedly, how did that slab of meat and blood turn to stone like this? His heated length stroked along her, swirling his hips to strike sparks and tickle sensitive spots so deep inside her that it seemed anatomically impossible. But there was nothing like it, nothing like her beautiful, infuriating, wonderful god. “Oh, god…” she barely squeaked out, “I’m not going to be able to sh- shut up-” Mina slapped his hand over her mouth as every muscle in her shaking body stiffened, eyes still pinned by his pleased gaze and coming again as Loki did, flooding her with heat and wet and dripping from her in the most arousing possible way.

Walking carefully from their bedroom to avoid looking bow-legged, Mina smiled to see both Darcy and Bucky, who were, according to her loud-mouthed friend, celebrating “Our ten-month anniversary, isn’t that romantic as shit?” It would have seemed painfully awkward, but Bucky was smiling down at her, and Mina’s heart melted.

“That is quite charming, really,” drawled Loki. He was resplendent in a perfectly fitted Tom Ford tuxedo, and he straightened his cuffs as he eyes the two sternly. “You will remember that you are here to safeguard the continued good health of our niece and not to indulge in carnal excess.”

Bucky shifted uncomfortably, “You don’t have to worry, Mina.”

“I know,” she said, “thank you again.” Inside, it felt like her heart was melting right through her dress. _‘Loki called Amelia our niece,'_ she thought, eyes misty.

To Tony’s credit, this party was much less elaborate than the silver-blue spray-painted disaster from the year before, when HYDRA associates melted half the ballroom with thermite. There was a lovely Big Band-styled orchestra and thousands of twinkling fairy lights dancing across the ceiling. Swinging her gracefully into his arms, Loki took Mina to the center of the dance floor. 

“Oh, this song is my favorite,” she said, head tilting back to look at his beautiful face.

His lips held an oddly tender smile. “I know.”

_When the bells all ring and the horns all blow_

_And the couples that we know are fondly kissing_

_Will I be with you or will I be among the missing?_

_Maybe it's much too early in the game_

_Oh, but I thought I'd ask you just the same_

_What are you doing New Year's, New Year's Eve?_

_Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight_

_When it's exactly 12 o'clock, midnight_

_Welcoming in the New Year, New Year's Eve_

_Oh, maybe I'm crazy to suppose_

_That I'd ever be the one you chose_

_Out of the thousand invitations you receive_

_Oh, but in case I stand one little chance_

_Here comes the jackpot question in advance_

_What are you doing New Year's, New Year's Eve?_

It was the delighted tinkle of her niece’s laughter that made Mina turn around abruptly to look out the massive doors leading to the balcony. Squinting through the dimmed lighting, she gasped, “Is that...? No. No freaking way.” Racing out on to the terrace, she stared upward.

“Oh, yes,” agreed Loki, sliding his arms around her waist and pulling her back against him, “Yes, it is.”

A wildly excited Amelia waved joyfully to her aunt, clinging like a monkey on the back of a llama.

A flying llama. 

Several of them, in fact, sailing majestically around Stark Tower and diving down to reveal Darcy, laughing uncontrollably astride her llama and Bucky on the back of another, looking shockingly calm about the whole thing. The gracefully waving hooves of the herd steered them closer to the balcony, and Loki nodded, emitting the oddest combination of bleats and barks, to which Head Llama blinked those lovely, long lashes and then the entire group swooped upwards, Amelia’s giggles trailing after them.

“Wh- did- how-” Mina stared up at Loki, mouth opening and closing helplessly. 

“So articulate, darling,” he said, “but not to worry. I told their leader that those three needed to be back on our balcony by midnight.” The sound of the huge crowd in nearby Times Square could be heard counting down the last moments of the year, and Loki took Mina back in his arms, swaying gently. “Now then,” he purred, “I do recall we had an agreement regarding hosting the charming Miss Amelia?”

“We did,” Mina allowed, smiling up at him mischievously.

“While I did enjoy our tryst in the shower,” he drawled, “when did you plan to fulfill our bargain?”

Taking his hand from her waist, she slid it down over the silk of her dark green Stella McCartney gown, pressing his fingers between her buttocks. “Right after this party,” Mina winked.

Pushing a bit harder against the fabric, Loki could feel the lace of her thong and then… “Why, my decadent little girl,” he leered, “would that be the emerald-tipped plug I had selected for you?”

Giving a saucy shrug, she leaned into him again. “I think a big, strong man like you can find that out for yourself.”

He laughed, a deep, rich sound that Mina almost never heard and pulled her closer, swirling her gracefully in circles.

_Oh, maybe I'm crazy to suppose_

_That I'd ever be the one that you chose_

_Out of the thousand invitations you receive_

_Oh, but in case I stand one little chance_

_Here comes the jackpot question in advance_

_What are you doing New Year's, New Year's Eve?_

**Author's Note:**

> True story about llamas- my cousin and her husband run a llama ranch, and when I'd visit I always liked feeding them. The llamas look so gloriously haughty. And apparently, they can hold quite the grudge. I accidentally stepped on the hoof of one, and even though I apologized profusely, he would have nothing to do with me. Every time I'd visit he would eschew me with the greatest contempt. Then after a couple of months, he suddenly rushed up to me and bit me really hard on the shoulder. Those bruises lasted for like six weeks but after that, we were the best of friends. Yeah, those fluffy little bastards can really hold a grudge.


End file.
